Holding the aluminium sheets of medications I was about to open, I take a moment; just the slightest moment to really try to think this is what I really wanted to do: to end my life. To end it all with overdosing on medications.

Life isn't easy. We all know that. We have to work hard towards our goals and if we have any at the time. It sometimes phases me that for someone like me who have all these problems that it can sometimes be easier to die and end it all. Yes, I have attempted suicide before. I first hit myself with a rock against my head when I was 14. Didn't pass out or anything. It hurt, and it stopped me there. And I'm glad it did. I have so much to live for now.

I feel I haven't written and been keeping up to date with my mental health blogposts/videos lately. So I'm trying my best tonight to squeeze out a story for you guys. I want to say that my experiences in the psychiatric/mental health ward was definitely different to everyone else's. Everyone goes through different experiences each day and respond to it differently. There were some ways I regret of doing/thinking while I was down in the ward:

Understanding someone with a mental illness/es is a hard one. It takes a lifetime for someone to understand someone else's condition I would say. You don't just meet someone and the person with the condition tells you about their struggles and you say you understand what they're going through. Unless you've been in similar situations such as hospital admissions and similar diagnoses but even that there's not full understanding in my opinion.

Friends, this post is to help you understand me better maybe, and perhaps help you recognise when I'm in an episode. It is also for me to document a bit of what's happened in the last couple of days as a reflection as well as it being therapeutic for me. In the above video, I mentioned that I have been diagnosed with depression, schizophrenia and bipolar.

No one is perfect, let's not deny that. We all have our imperfections. Or could we say we are all imperfectly perfect. I know I have failed (not miserably) as a Christian in so many ways. I go by day-to-day thinking sometimes what I should have, could have done to make or have a better Christian/spiritual life. I repeatedly tell myself that everytime I have a problem with my spiritual life I will change myself to make it better but no, that's never the case.

Religion. Denominations. God. What is God? How does God help with one's life? How does God let catastrophes and sad world events happen? There are many more questions that a pre-believer, new believer or even other existing Christians ask God all the time. I did not accept God into my life until late 2013 or so. Before that, I was just an ordinary girl, but I am still I feel.