How Being A Model Nearly Killed Me

My very first photoshoot in Vietnam when I was size 4-6.

We all know that the modelling industry is all very superficial. We all know that models wear a lot of makeup, get their hair done to near-perfect and their look gets transformed when they are doing a photoshoot, particularly. But do we know the impacts of being a model have on our mental health? We flip through magazines, scroll through those beautiful, "perfect"-bodied women on their Instagrams endlessly (oh well I'm guilty for it at least) and don't realise that we're unconsciously making our self-esteem on ourselves worse?

I always dreamt of being a model as part of one of my many dreams when I was a teenager. So I had my first photoshoot when I was nineteen in Vietnam. I found my face caked on for the first time, I took a selfie and showed it to the online world for the first time. I surprised my friends, my friends loved it and so that helped me wanting to continue...with modelling, one of the reasons. I thought I had the "right" body, I was a size 4-6...and although I wasn't tall enough, I thought I could always wear heels, particularly for photoshoots.

I've been modelling on and off for nine years on and off, to be honest. I'm not a supermodel and I'm not famous and I much prefer to stay this way but...

I feel I have an image problem and I would blame starting modelling locally has changed me. It's changed me to the point that some days I feel I will be judged by strangers and anyone really that if I don't wear makeup and everything is perfect. It's another mental illness in itself I feel. 

I really don't know where I am going with this. 

There were days and nights I thought if I didn't look like the perfect Suzanne in the modelling photos I show to people when I go outside, then I would have to stay inside. Stay inside and especially at night alone in my bedroom.

And that's when it becomes dangerous. So dangerous I become lost in my mind and thinking and thoughts are in my mind and nothing could stop me from having these suicidal thoughts. 

So this is how modelling can become dangerous and life-threatening. 

I am not saying young girls should not go out there and try modelling, it's really an interesting experience and on the otherhand, allows to build confidence in yourself and build your fashion network which can be good. Furthermore on building confidence, it has helped me understand that not everyone in the fashion industry (or in the world hah) are good. People will try to scam you into doing "photoshoots" with them, and sometimes even make you take off your clothes for them. That will be another blogpost...