An Open Letter To My Younger Self
Photo by Matthew Rita
To my younger self,
Suzanne, you will put on a fake smile even though you will be hurting inside. You will tell people you are okay and strong even though you are not coping. You will put on a strong and resilient mask wherever you went. You will meet many men who would take advantage of you physically. You will go through rape and trauma. You will cry a lot. You will want to end your life and do bad things to yourself. You will lose a sense of who you really are. You will lose hope and have no faith in humanity. You will be angry at God for giving you Bipolar. You won’t understand why God made you who you are. You won’t understand why God put you in such a difficult position. You won’t understand why you got excluded from Nursing. You will feel like you’re the biggest failure in the world. To yourself, to your family, and friends. You will want to prove that you’re a somebody and you want to find meaning and purpose in life. You will seek validation in your social media platforms and feel that your worth is based on how many likes you have and how many followers you get. You will try many medications, and not all of them will work. You will have medication withdrawals and give up the fight with the right combination of medications. Some days you are not OK, and feel depressed. You will have fall outs in friendships and believe that you’re a bad friend. You will blame yourself on the bad things happening around you. You will at times feel worthless and helpless.
But you want someone who you can cry to and have a shoulder to lean. The rape and trauma will make you stronger as a human being. Every tear drop that falls down your face will shape you and make you more resilient. You will be close to ending your life but God will protect you. Being excluded from Nursing will help you grow as a person – and failing Nursing will just be a small speedbump and a test to see how strong you are. You will be a mental health advocate through your Bipolar diagnosis. You will incorporate self love and self care in your life and know what will work or doesn’t work for you. You will be an inspiration for many. You will fight battles every day but they will help you become who you are in the future. You will help more people than you think. Some days you won’t be OK, and that’s OK. Your recovery is not linear, it’s up and down. You will have people and friends who will understand and believe in you. You will not give up in making meaningful and genuine friendships. You will learn to reach out for community support and be employed as a mental health peer support worker full time. You will help other people with mental illnesses with their recovery goals and you will be a valued team member who everyone adores. You will do many public speaking gigs, and sharing your story openly, honestly, confidently, and vulnerably. You will receive much positive feedback from the audience where you are speaking at. You will be an inspiration for younger girls – and be the voice for those who are weak and inspire young girls who wants to try out modelling too. You will reach and smash goals in life. You will recover from Bipolar. You will overcome Bipolar. You will reach a point where you share that your mental illness is your super power. You will get comments that you look normal, but you acknowledge that you do have an invisible disability and need to take medications for life.
From Suzanne